Making a life

A few weeks ago, I moved. Well, my daughter and I moved. We moved out of the "family home" and into a trailer. Yes, a trailer, as in "mobile home." We live in a trailer park. Oy.

How we got here is a story for another time, which I will rant and rave about when I am good and angry. Right now, I am too tired. I am tired from working my regular job (my consignment shop), moving bags and piles of "stuff" (do I really need all this?), cleaning, painting, fixing the new place.

I refer to our new home as "88" (the house number) because I do not like to call it a "trailer." Why, I wonder to myself? Is it the stigma of the trailer park? Yes, I guess it is. I like to think of myself as a humble person. On a conscious level, I do not think of myself as better than anyone else. But... (there's always a "but," isn't there?) I guess I just feel like, at 44-years-old, after 11 years of marriage, 12 years of recovery from addiction, a soon-to-be second-grader, and a life-time of "working," I should have more to show for my life and my struggles.

Which brings me to the next question: What, precisely, should I "have?" Hmmm. More money? A "happy marriage?" A real house, not a trailer? A car that's not older than the original "Karate Kid?" Leisure time? Vacations?

I don't know what i should have, by anyone else's standards, but when I look at what I do have, I see I am one of the most fortunate people I know. I am rich in family and friends. I still have both my parents, and they are both in good health. I have aunts and sisters and girlfriends I can call for anything, at any time, and they are there for me. My young daughter is happy, healthy, bright and loving. I am not hungry, homeless or high.

I have peace in my heart. And that, in the end, is everything.

hopeless

Where do I draw the line? When is "the addiction" just an excuse? When does she finally step up and take responsibility for her actions? Ever?
I am just so tired of it all. I thought I was tired of it months ago, and yet, on we go. I want nothing more for her than a reasonably fulfilling and rewarding life. That, it seems, is too much to ask. At least for right now.
What to do? I have had to keep her at arm's length, or further. It just hurts too much to let her back in, let her get close, involved and then get my heart trampled on again. I understand it's not personal. That doesn't mean it is not painful. I get too invested when she is too near. I find myself believing, hoping, and then crushed all over again.
If anyone reading this is struggling with a loved one who is an addict, I empathize with you. It is a heartbreak you can't understand unless you have felt it. If you have a success story, please share it. I have absolutely given up hope. If you have any, I welcome it.

In-patient begins

I will post more later. As of yesterday, my daughter is in in-patient at the Norris Clinic. Last night I got two whimpering messages from her about how bad it is there. Suffice it to say, I feel less than sorry for her.

My daughter was moved to a halfway house this afternoon.

My daughter was moved to a halfway house this afternoon.

Dog

My dog was hit by a car and killed last month. She was as crazy as a sh*t-house rat, but she was sweet. Neurotic and nutty.


I didn't think I would get another dog, at least not anytime soon.


I got another dog.



This is Gilbert. He is 7-months-old. He is not crazy. I am glad.


So what does this have to do with addictions in a family? I don't know. But he is part of my family now, and he's totally cool. He doesn't bark much. He sleeps on my lap. He's house-trained. (Is that what you call it?) He gets along well with the little one. It's good. He's good for me.


In the midst of craziness, chaos, sadness and frustration, dog love is good love.