Wednesday, October 22, 2014

We are now in October of 2014. Life is good. for our daughter. She is now a  college graduate and mother of 2, with a full time job that she loves. There is hope for every one. There is no magic (one size fits all) formula for any addict but there is always hope.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Life goes on!

A (5 year clean) boyfriend that she met about a year ago, first semester of college started a few weeks ago and now a baby on the way. Her doctor had told her that she probably wouldn't be able to have kids without fertility drugs. They are elated. She just found out and she is six weeks along. So we are looking forward to a May baby. We have a step grandson but this will be our first biological grandchild. Life is change!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

1 Year Clean!

My daughter has been clean for an entire year! I sleep better at night. I worry less. I am very proud of her. Sometimes I worry that my other 2 daughters will be jealous of the support and attention that I give their sister over this but it is necessary. Our oldest graduated near the top of her class with a bachelor's degree in Biology and our youngest has had the VERY difficult and continued challenge of continuing her Vet Tech college classes after our car accident, almost 3 years ago. She will graduate in May 2011.
I am EXTREMELY proud of all of my daughters; though I am not sure that the other 2 realize what an accomplishment this is for their sister.

Last night we went to her 1 year anniversary meeting (NA-Narcotics Anonymous). My husband and our youngest and one of my sisters were able to attend as well as my in-laws. Many hugs were exchanged, tears shed and goodies eaten. Our girl spoke about her past and and did a very good job! I know that she was very nervous but it really wasn't obvious while she was speaking. I have been waiting to hear her account of her life for a long time. I wish she could have spoken longer. It was a fulfilling evening that I feel enriched from.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Making a life

A few weeks ago, I moved. Well, my daughter and I moved. We moved out of the "family home" and into a trailer. Yes, a trailer, as in "mobile home." We live in a trailer park. Oy.

How we got here is a story for another time, which I will rant and rave about when I am good and angry. Right now, I am too tired. I am tired from working my regular job (my consignment shop), moving bags and piles of "stuff" (do I really need all this?), cleaning, painting, fixing the new place.

I refer to our new home as "88" (the house number) because I do not like to call it a "trailer." Why, I wonder to myself? Is it the stigma of the trailer park? Yes, I guess it is. I like to think of myself as a humble person. On a conscious level, I do not think of myself as better than anyone else. But... (there's always a "but," isn't there?) I guess I just feel like, at 44-years-old, after 11 years of marriage, 12 years of recovery from addiction, a soon-to-be second-grader, and a life-time of "working," I should have more to show for my life and my struggles.

Which brings me to the next question: What, precisely, should I "have?" Hmmm. More money? A "happy marriage?" A real house, not a trailer? A car that's not older than the original "Karate Kid?" Leisure time? Vacations?

I don't know what i should have, by anyone else's standards, but when I look at what I do have, I see I am one of the most fortunate people I know. I am rich in family and friends. I still have both my parents, and they are both in good health. I have aunts and sisters and girlfriends I can call for anything, at any time, and they are there for me. My young daughter is happy, healthy, bright and loving. I am not hungry, homeless or high.

I have peace in my heart. And that, in the end, is everything.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Life gets better!

My daughter celebrated 9 months sobriety on Monday! My husband, his mother, one of my sisters and I attended an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting Monday evening, complete with great energy, many cookies and dozens of hugs.

Similar to when she was a toddler taking her first steps, she is learning to walk the path of a new life. Her days are full of meetings, counseling, artwork and daily conversations with me. I am so thankful to have my daughter back!

Where did she really turn the corner? We have be blessed with wonderful friends and family who have stood by us with much love, support and prayers. I believe it was those prayers that led her down this new path. The real turning point was when the judge in drug court instructed her to gather information about AA and NA meetings and activities to share with the other participants in drug court. She is now called the drug court liaison and is doing a wonderful job. This one assignment from the judge was the catalyst to her present involvement and active work in her recovery. She is currently sitting on 3 committees, attending conferences and involved in the planning of special events of NA. Last week she started a small group for women at her apartment.

Life is still very difficult. As a child taking her first steps, she has stumbled and been frustrated. She still has mental health issues but she is working with counselors and taking meds and, as they say, 'working her program'. The apartment that she is in is part of a mental health program where staff checks in with residents regularly. And yes, there are rules and a curfew, but today, she knows that she has a future. She has been painting a lot and we had a table at a craft sale a couple of weeks ago. She is also talking about going to college. Yes, I am proud of my daughter.

Attitude is everything! I know she still struggles daily with the desire to use but she has said that it really helps to be very involved in NA. NA has given her something that as a parent I didn't have to give. As much as I tried to understand her addiction, I am not an addict and I don't understand on the level that another addict can understand. She has finally found a place where people really understand her and can relate to her struggles.

I continue to pray for her and her cousin, who is still in the dark depths of her addiction and currently in jail. I am actually grateful that she is there and not out on the streets using. She is so much safer in jail. Hopefully my daughter's sobriety will be encouragement to her cousin to follow the right path. Please pray for these girls and all of those who struggle with the disease of addiction.

Thank you all for your continued love, prayers and support!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Books to read

A couple of books that were important in my recovery as a co-dependent are by author Melody Beattie Co-dependent No More and Beyond Co-dependency.
I'm not sure how many weeks it is now that my daughter has been in Hannik Hall. The first 2 or 3 weeks were touch and go. She wanted to leave in a bad way. I prayed as many of our family and friends did (thank you) and she has settled in and I believe is seen as a leader and a positive presence in the house of about 20 recovering women. She is doing a lot of art work and I think that's the biggest thing that is getting her through this time. Every day I worry a little bit, I'm her mom after all.

I am proud of her and I love her and I try to tell her that often. I know it is very difficult for her there. Some of the other women yell and argue and it is not always a happy atmosphere but, they seem to be doing better these last few weeks. I don't know if it is mix of women who are there now or what.

My niece left FLACRA where she was awaiting assignment to yet another rehab. She was there for about a week, this time. She says that she is done there and waiting to start out patient. Not sure I'm buying that.

I just want to shake her, hard, until she wakes up to the life that she is throwing away!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Where do I draw the line? When is "the addiction" just an excuse? When does she finally step up and take responsibility for her actions? Ever?
I am just so tired of it all. I thought I was tired of it months ago, and yet, on we go. I want nothing more for her than a reasonably fulfilling and rewarding life. That, it seems, is too much to ask. At least for right now.
What to do? I have had to keep her at arm's length, or further. It just hurts too much to let her back in, let her get close, involved and then get my heart trampled on again. I understand it's not personal. That doesn't mean it is not painful. I get too invested when she is too near. I find myself believing, hoping, and then crushed all over again.
If anyone reading this is struggling with a loved one who is an addict, I empathize with you. It is a heartbreak you can't understand unless you have felt it. If you have a success story, please share it. I have absolutely given up hope. If you have any, I welcome it.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Relapse: Look on The Bright Side

It happened and she got caught. Se spent four days in jail and I am taking her to an inpatient/halfway house for women. She will be there for 6-9 months and it is very strict. She is not happy about it. But her attitude has been getting worse over the last couple of weeks. Her cousin left Hannik Hall (that is where I am taking her today) about 2 weeks ago. But my daughter knows that if she leaves she will go to jail. That was not the case with her cousin. They used together. I will write more soon.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Doing Well

It has been a month since she was in rehab. She is doing very well. There are a lot of appointments, counseling, probation and drug court weekly, 4 NA and/or AA meetings per week and out patient drug counseling is starting soon. I have been doing alot of running for her but I think it has been good for both of us to be able to spend time together. She looks so much healthier and prettier. She took the rest of her dreadlocks out while she was in jail and her hair amazingly looks great. We thought the dreadlocks would have completely ruined it. She is not happy that she has gained weight but she needed to gain weight!

It's always a choice, every day and she has been making a lot of good choices! Don't get me wrong, we still disagree plenty. She continues to tattoo herself with bluish-gray and black inks and I hate to see her do that to her body. She is also smoking cigarettes and we totally disagree about that. But what kind of mother would ever want their child to smoke?

We let most of the little conflicts go and thank God and all who have helped and prayed, every day!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Back in the Real World

Thursday, my oldest daughter and I took the trek back down to PA. 28 days went by pretty quickly for all of us. We stopped and picked up my step grandson so that he could see his step mom for the first time in almost a month. He turned 6 while she was in rehab.

It was a long day, about 7 hours of driving all told. When we arrived at the house about 9PM as scheduled. As we walked up to the house, my daughter slowed down, looked at me and said, "I dreamed about this house in Jail. It was just like this, with the bridge and the arbor with the flowers, but in my dream it was a jail at first and then a house."

She is ataying in a private home that takes in up to four girls/women at a time. Within moments, I felt that it was a safe place for her to be. The owner is a very warm and loving woman who also cares for some of her grandchildren, her disabled son and runs a day care. She is amazing! I have been there or she has been here almost every day. Things are going well, for the most part, I am not happy that she has had some contact with a guy that was in jail when she was and writing to her. He lives in the town that she is living in now. He was in for a year for a DWI but has spent 6 or 7 of his 27 or so years of life, in jail. He gave her a tattoo on her shoulder but she won't show it to me. She says that I will think it's stupid. She is probably right.

We have been getting along okay, so far. I'm trying to keep my judgment out of things and just love and encourage her.

Monday, June 1, 2009

No News is Good News

Sorry for not updating lately. I know some of you have been wondering what is going on. All is well. We go back to PA to pick her up on Thursday. She is Vice President of the group and is doing quite well. I'm not happy that she started smoking again but that's not my choice. I'm sure she'll regret it later and it's going to be a lot harder to quit later. I'm not going to dwell on it.

She asked me to let everyone who wrote to her know that she has been very busy with classes all day and doing homework in the evening. She is going to be staying at a boarding house instead of the halfway house that was the original plan. I guess they wouldn't take her due to her mental health diagnosis. Seems kind of silly, once diagnosed and getting help there are fewer avenues open than when undiagnosed, using drugs, etc. I think she will prefer the boarding house to a halfway house. I don't think that there are any restrictions there but being on probation should have enough rules to keep her in line, knowing that the consequences for messing up will be prison.

Update on my niece. she has been in (yet another) rehab for the last 2 weeks or so. Hopefully she will stick it out THIS time. Her old boyfriend, from before hard drugs, has been visiting her.

I'm not sure how often I will be writing any more but, if you are checking in and I haven't written, know that 'no news is good news'. Thank you all for all of your love, prayers and support through all of this.

If you'd like to follow my other blogs they are and I am also writing for , selling photographs on and starting to re-write my journal re: the car accident that my youngest daughter and I were in last year.

Thanks again all!